It feels like the end of the world.
I will admit to this right now, I’m not exactly coping well with current situation. As it is I’m already struggling with own my personal issues, but this feels like a whole lot of added stresses to deal with, and it just feels…overwhelming, you know?
I will go right into it. I am scared. I am scared of this disease. I am scared of what could happen. But most importantly, I am scared of my loved ones because they are more vulnerable than me. And I am simply not ready to lose them. Not right now.
Between this deadly virus, and my dad being sick and requiring major surgery (complicated story), it has taken a tremendous toll on my family in recent times. And for me personally, it’s just been incredibly, incredibly stressful. It just feels like everything is collapsing around me.
I’m an introvert by nature. I don’t tend to share my personal stuff with the whole world. I generally only tell these things to a select few people whom I can trust.
But even that feels like an impossibility now, what with required social distancing meaning that I have to avoid personal contact.
It’s really, really hard. Really.
I’m trying my best to keep going, because life has to go on. I still have to work. But sometimes I wonder how much more I can take before it just goes all to pieces.
Here’s the thing though: Being alone is also a form of coping mechanism for me. It allows me to do things I wouldn’t normally do in front of people. Express emotions that I won’t usually display. I don’t have to pretend to be strong, just to preserve the act of being normal, when things are not.
There’s something astonishingly peaceful about going out for a drive, alone, to the most deserted, isolated spots you can find. With nobody around you for miles and miles.
It gives you time to be alone, to think, or not think. To just take in the world, and escape from it at the same time.
You feel…far far away from all your troubles, your worries. In that moment, however long you want it to be, everything feels so distant. And you feel, just in that moment, that things are OK, at least where you are at that point in time.
Driving, to me, can be a form of escapism, away from the real world. The car is my sanctuary, it shields me from the nasty world outside. It accords me freedom, to go where I want, do what I want.
And in a world where things feel increasingly out of control, it’s an incredibly cathartic feeling.
I’m not OK, not by any means right now. But at least, I think, going out on a peaceful, quiet drive to the middle of nowhere is a small way that can help me preserve my sanity a bit.